Dusk: A Twilight Parody
by courageneverfails
Summary: A parody of Twilight- Ella is a distraught young teen, forced by her own choices to go live in Sporks, where she meets an amazingly hott vampire named Edvard with a strange fixation on the way she smells.
1. Chapter 1

Dusk: A Twilight Parody

AN: Yes, I hate Twilight. And I'm just posting this for laughs. If you hate me for hating Twilight, oh well. You can leave me mean messages, but I really won't care. If you feel like it, you could comment and tell me how to improve my writing though…

Chapter 1

Ella looked down at her ridiculously see through eyelet lace shirt, frowning slightly. She was going to _Sporks._ Ironically, the one place she had vowed to never go back to. But Ella knew that she had to make it seem that her sacrifice was extremely great, wanting everyone to sense her selflessness. Her mother drove both of them to the airport, waving wistfully to Ella as she ascended the stairwell to her plane.

"You don't need to leave Ella," Carley, her mother, reminded her once more.

"Oh, but I must. This sacrifice is my own decision." Tears spilled down the sides of her face, smearing her make up almost imperceptibly. Ella clambered into the plane, tripping over air as she walked through the 1st class seats. Her luminescently pale skin brightened the cab of the plane, and Ella attempted to hide her distraught face, covering her tearstained face with her hands.

This led to her tripping again, sprawling down the aisle. Her disobedient feet refused to stay on the path that she wanted to walk, catching on the sides of seats and bags. Frustrated, she stood up once more, searching for a safe pathway to her seat. Ella finally made it to the back of the plane without breaking anything, but she nursed a tiny cut on her forearm from whacking someone's purse accidentally.

A single drop of blood oozed out of the miniscule scrape, and Ella's stomach tightened. The smell of blood overwhelmed her, and the bright reflection of the light against the red drop sent Ella spiraling into the depths of her fear- the _smell of blood._ Because, she, like no other human on the planet, had the strange ability to smell a small amount of blood from a long way away. This ability had outcast her beautiful self from the many inhabitants of Phoenix, leaving her distraught with no friends.

Inevitably, Ella glanced once more at the single drip and fainted.

--

The plane touched down lightly on the ground, jarring her out of her restless sleep. Pulling a hideous bright yellow parka out of her carryon, Ella stood; ready to greet her horrible new life in Sporks. Everyone was immensely slow getting off the plane, so after waiting five minutes, Ella shoved her way through the line, eager to get home and dwell in her own grief.

The large crowd of people crowded around her and Ella searched vainly for the Baggage Claim, where her father, Ralph, would be waiting in his ridiculous police cruiser that caused everyone to drive slower. Oh the woes of her immensely difficult life. Ella finally discovered the sign, so distressed that she had not seen it right in front of her pale white face.

Ella waited urgently for her baggage, having an extreme need to break into tears as she looked outward at the overcast sky. It looked like it was going to… _gasp_… rain.

Her generic blue suitcase came spitting out of the machine first and as she reached for it, a guy nonchalantly leaned in front of her and grabbed it. "Um.. excuse me!" She shouted.

The guy turned toward her and Ella groaned inwardly. The guy wore glasses and a button up shirt. A manga book was tucked under his arm and Ella resisted an urge to run from this nerd that would further lower her social status.

"Here you go," the guys said pleasantly, a smile touching the edges of his lips. Ella didn't notice, too busy figuring out how to accept her bag without touching his skin. Taking the bag at the sides with two hands, she smiled tightly and walked out of the terminal.

Ralph's police cruiser was impossible to miss and her dad came bustling out as soon as he saw her. "Hey Ells!" Ralph exclaimed, hugging his daughter tightly.

"Hi," she replied, determined to retain her mysterious aura with a kind of hopeless despair.

Ralph happily took her bag and threw it in the back of his car. "I have great news Ella!"

"What?"

"I bought you a car!"

Bitch please, Ella thought. "But I wanted to buy my own! Dammit Ralph! What have you done?"

"It was just a welcome to Sporks present Ella."

Mournful about the kind gift she had just been given, Ella ignored her father, and stared out at the beautiful green scenery. Too much damn green, she thought. Why can't there be desert and desolation and dead plants?

The rest of their three hour ride consisted of silence. By the time she had finally reached her new home, Ella was still fuming, and at the sight of her car, her frown deepened. It was old. And it was a present.

Ella was pissed.

Trying very unsuccessfully to maintain her distressed composure, Ella hauled her stuff into the house, tripping on the stairs up to her room and hitting her forehead on the hard wood floor. Ten minutes passed carrying in everything she owned, and when she was done, Ella curled up into a ball, sobbing hysterically about the rain in Sporks and her own unfortunate life, filled with her indescribable beauty everyone but she could see.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Ella breathed in deeply, almost sensing the dark gloomy clouds hovering menacingly outside. The rain began to sprinkle violently on the roof and Ella groaned. She sat up in her large bed and started to stretch. She then fell once again to the floor.

She pulled herself up via bedsheets, breathing heavily from her exhausting and stressful day so far. Ella stared at herself in the mirror and groaned loudly. Her amazing clear complexion was white, making her appear as if she were albino, except she didn't have red eyes, blonde hair, and she could go out into the sun without getting extremely sunburned.

She spent thirty minutes in the shower, attempting to wake herself up, but dismally failing. After donning her black sweatshirt and chugging four Diet Cokes in quick succession, Ella headed downstairs to where her father sat staring at a box of cereal. Ralph looked up uncertainly at Ella and looked down at the box confused.

"Am I supposed to eat the box?"

Another sigh of exasperation escaped her lips and she strode over to her father and attempted to violently rip open the box, but her pinkie finger caught on the edge of the box and it hit her in the face.

Ralph looked at her once again perplexed. "You open the box like that?"

"No dammit!" Ella poured the cereal into a bowl quickly, and snatched a spoon out of the drawer. "Do you need me to force feed you?"

"No, I believe I'll be fine."

Her teeth gritted hard against each other. _How did he survive so many years with no one to feed him?_ She then noticed her car keys on the table, and snatched them up hastily, heading out the front door.

Ella quickly backed out of the driveway and using her super sense of direction, found Sporks High in five minutes. As she pulled into the parking lot, Ella didn't notice any of the cars- except for a SHINY SILVER VOLVO (hint, hint, wink, wink). She was immediately drawn towards the car and parked next to it, barely missing grating her front fender on it.

The beginning of her day passed normally: she had already covered everything in her English class because she was so "_advanced"_, and it was clear to all of her teachers that she would be a great addition to their school with her superior abilities. As she left her English class, a black haired boy with glasses strode over to her. "Hi, I'm Erik," he said pleasantly, extending his hand. "Do you need anyone to show you around?"

Ella looked down at his outstretched hand, then at his face, then at his hand, then at his face, then at his hand, then turned and walked away. "Omigod," she whispered. "He was so…. Nerdy. I'm going to die."

As she continued to use her superior sense of direction to find the cafeteria, a jock that was extremely cuter then… what'shisname? came and greeted her. "Hi, I'm Mick."

"Ella," she responded, staring up into his cute face. "I'm going to the cafeteria."

"Well, ya, I think everyone is. It is lunch time."

Ella shrugged her shoulders. "Show me the way, Mick. Now."

He smiled pleasantly, ignoring her bitchiness and led the way. Mick immediately headed over to the jock table and Ella took the one open seat. The girl next to her, Jessie, introduced everyone, but Ella promptly forgot their names. They simply weren't special enough.

One group of people did catch her eye though. On the far side of the cafeteria sat a group of five people, all as pale white as her, and all superiorly beautiful to everyone else on the planet. Ella was immediately attracted to them, despite their strange behavior. Each one of them had a plate of food in front of them, and whenever they tried to eat some of the food, they immediately barfed it up.

"Who are they?" Ella asked, leaning towards Jessie. The youngest one, who had reddish auburny, blonde hair turned as if she had just screamed his name across the cafeteria. Ella gasped in surprise. On closer inspection, all of them had dark bruises underneath their eyes, as if someone had thoroughly beaten all of them up.

"Those are the Schmullens. Edvard is the one looking this way, the blonde girl is Roseline, the burly guy is Gemmet, the short girl is Alishah, and the tall guy is Jaspér (pronounced hey—spar)."

"Edvard is damn fine!" I said loudly.

"Don't get your hopes up. He doesn't date." Her lip curled angrily and Ella used her psychic powers to guess that Edvard had turned her down before.

The rest of lunch passed uneventfully, but Ella couldn't help staring at Edvard the rest of the period. When the bell clanged loudly, Ella headed to the Biology lab, using her SSOD (Super Sense OF Direction). Most of the class had already assembled, so Ella went up to the teacher's desk, who pointed her to the one open seat. Ella followed the direction of her finger and smiled at the sight of Edvard next to her seat.

Ella headed towards her seat, but tripped over air and sprawled in front of her desk in a very unladylike fashion. Ella stood up, praying no one noticed, and walked past Edvard. She sat down as gracefully as possible and turned to Edvard. His face was contorted as if she smelled horrible with major BO. Ella did a quick underarm test, then smelled her hair. Nope. Her eyes caught on her backpack and realized that must be the culprit. Reaching down to get her back pack and unzip it, Ella felt her chair tip sideways and fell to the floor once again.

Ella and the linoleum had become very good friends today.


	3. Chapter 3

Dusk- Chapter 3

AN: Hahahahahahaha…. I'm looking forward to writing this chapter… it includes gym class and our own unfortunate *cough cough* "heroine".

Ella sighed inwardly and vainly attempted to make her klutzy fall look like it had been on purpose. She failed. Edvard still leaned away from her, holding a hand to his nose.

The class period passed extremely slowly, with Edvard maintaining a very uncomfortable position at his desk that included shifting all of his weight to the right side of the chair, while Ella worried incessantly about how bad she smelled. _I put on my Abercrombie and Fitch Fierce perfume this morning to… Damn. . I forgot to apply my man's Speedstick deodorant over my Degree deodorant._

Finally the bell rang and as Ella turned to watch Edvard, he leaped up from his chair, jumped on top of the lab tables, and scurried around the classroom to the exit. Ella looked forlornly after him. Mick came up from behind her and Ella asked, "Does Edvard usually do that?"

"Well, he is extremely abnormal… We've gotten used to it by now. So.. What class you going to now?"

"Gym."

"Hey, I'll show you the way!" Mick smiled happily at her, but Ella turned away, her heart already stolen by the mysterious auburn reddish blonde boy that couldn't stand the smell of her without two deodorants.

Mick walked down the hallway, and Ella followed obediently. They entered the gym together and Ella was immediately greeted by many friendly people. She cocked her eyebrow at them and turned away. _So not speshul enough._

Ella quickly changed into gym clothes and joined the rest of her class out on the volleyball court. The gym instructor started to explain what they were to be doing, but Ella ignored her, focusing once again on the elusive Edvard.

"Ella?" the gym teacher called.

"_Yes?" _Ella managed in the meanest tone possible, angry about being interrupted of her daydream which included Edvard and *ahem* pillowbiting…

"It's your turn to go for an outside hit."

A look of utter confusion crossed Ella's face, but she took three steps toward the net and jumped toward the falling ball. Or tried. Five things happened in quick succession. Ella tripped over her feet while jumping, the ball hit her in the head, her hand caught in the net, then her entire body got caught in the net, and then the net collapsed on top of her.

Ella attempted to sit up and looked at the havoc she had wreaked. Well, at least she didn't fall on linoleum this time.

Thirty minutes later, after all of the gym students, the gym instructor, the principal, and the entire volleyball team had released Ella from her confines of the net, Ella was frickfracking ready to go home. Yet she had one last stop to make. The front office.

Which was a feat in itself, with Ella tripping on any sort of obstruction in her way, ranging from puddles, other peoples feet, and oxygen molecules.

She pulled the door open without hitting herself in the head, and smiled. At least one thing had managed to go right during the day. Then she tripped on the doorframe and toppled into the front office. Ella grimaced slightly as she got up and waited for whoever was in the principals office to leave.

Ella leaned slightly to the side to see who it was, and a slow smile spread across her face. _Edvard._

He stared deeply into the principals eyes, and said barely audibly, "Do I dazzle you?"

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact. But we simply cannot change your schedule this late in the year."

"BUT I NEED IT TO BE CHANGED OR I WILL DIE!"

Ella frowned once more. "I really must shower more often." It was clear once a month showers weren't going to cut it here in Sporks.

Suddenly, Edvard turned at the sound of her whispered oath. His hand immediately went to his nose, and stalked out of the office. Ella couldn't help admiring his beautifully bruised face and a similar white complexion to hers; the same complexion Ella had been complaining about this morning.

The principal motioned her into the office and smiled slightly. Sweat coated her forehead, and she fanned herself slightly.

"Is everything okay?" Ella asked.

The principal nodded, unbuttoned two buttons on her shirt and elaborated. "That young man… he is so attractive."

Pause.

_Awkward._ "Well, here's my schedule from today.."

"Thanks dear. You can go head on home or where ever you are going now. I'm just going to… stay in here for a while…"

Ella raised her eyebrows in disgust and attempted to navigate safely out to her car. "Hey P.O.S.," she said, calling it by the _endearing_ and _creative_ name she had come up with during the day. She pulled open the car door, got inside, and began to bawl like a baby.

"I can't believe I smell that bad!" she wailed mournfully. "Why doesn't Edvard love me yet? Why didn't I apply two coats of deodorant this morning? My body odor isn't that bad!!!"

Ella then realized that she had left her car door open for the entire flock of a hundred kids out front waiting for a ride to hear her breakdown. She sighed once more and pounded her face on the wheel. "Dammit."


	4. Chapter 4

Dusk ch4

AN: Yes! I just got some of my first hatemail, which was flipping awesome! Those of you that actually take this as a joke, a joke from an Anti nonetheless, may continue reading……

And another quick note…. Jasper is officially Heyspar now, because I was getting annoyed doing accents.

Ella's day began normally enough. She fell twice on the way to the shower, and cut her finger when she was brushing her teeth. Wandering downstairs dressed in two coats, ski pants, and mismatched wellies, Ralph looked at her strangely. "It's only 60 degrees in Sporks, Ella."

Ella glared at her father, then turned to make bacon for herself. Which obviously wasn't going to turn out well because of her clumsiness. She turned on the flame and turned to get a pan to cook her bacon in. "Ella!" her father yelled suddenly. Her jacket whipped around in front of the flame and dangled there, threatening to catch on fire.

"Oh." A thank you refused to pass between her lips and as she put the bacon in the pan, her thoughts turned once again to Edvard Schmullen. His bruised and perfectly incandescently angelic face with his seraphic voice made her want to swoon. Her knees became weak and her heart _literally_ stopped as she thought of his beautiful self.

"Ella!" her dad called once more. She glanced up quickly, then looked back down at the bacon just as some of the grease flew upward. It splattered across her face and Ella screamed like she was dying.

"It burns! I'm dying! Tell Mom I love her! Ahhh!"

Ralph grabbed a paper towel and wiped the minimal bacon grease off her face, but Ella continued screaming like she had been shot with a Glock in the gut. "Honey are you okay?" Ralph attempted to yell over her. Her wailing got louder so as to cover his, making it seem as if she had instead been shot with a sawed off shotgun filled with BB's.

Ralph looked around confused, trying to discern what was causing her bawling. Nothing was. He sat down, leaned his head upon his hand and waited for her to stop. 6 minutes later, Ella had eventually calmed down enough to shut her mouth. "I'm just going to go to school now."

Ella walked out of the door, and Ralph stared after her a look of utter misunderstanding on his face. "I guess she's a primadonna," he muttered. Ella headed off to car in POS, and excitedly waited for Edvard in the parking lot. As a surprise, Ella had showered last night, and applied 5 coats (count 'em, 5!) coats of deodorant along with some of her father's Fierce cologne, as a surprise for the man she loved.

After waiting for a while, Ella headed off to class, saddened by not seeing him. Her soul felt as if it had been crushed and demolished. Ella was so distressed she got a math problem wrong in class. The teacher was disappointed after expecting so much more after yesterday, that Ella was given an immediate F.

Finally, lunch arrived, and Ella attempted to run to the cafeteria in excitement to see Edvard, but she ran head on into a pole. Her head smacked into it, and made a hollow sound as she collapsed to the ground. Mick was the first to help her get up. "Are you okay?" his concerned voice asked.

"Fine. Where's Edvard?" they walked into the cafeteria together, but Ella felt tears come to her eyes as she only counted 4 at the Schmullen's table. Her appetite was lost, but it wasn't from the Schmullen's strange feeding rituals. It was from the lack of Edvard. So Ella went the anorexic way and had a lemonade.

As she rejoined the jock table, everyone reintroduced themselves but Ella's attention was on the only speshul people in the room. AliSHAH was the first to turn and look quickly at her but Heyspar quickly followed AliSHAH's lead.

Ella blushed profusely as she met their eyes and Heyspar leapt up from his chair, a predatory look on his face. She immediately looked away. _Edvard must have told them how bad I smelled yesterday. But I can't believe he wouldn't show up, and that his family would be that offended._

Lunch passed through well enough, except for Ella tripping 6 times on her way to the trash can and 8 times back. Mick offered to lead her to Biology class, but Ella was so depressed about Edvard's absence, she couldn't hear him speak. Depression had consumed her, and it seemed impossible that she would ever retain any of her liveliness again in this lifetime if Edvard didn't return and fulfill their love for each other. After a Biology class that was spent by Ella softly caressing the seat of Edvard's chair, Ella headed out to go grocery shopping.

She once again used her SSOD to navigate through Sporks, and bought everything she needed from the grocery store: peanut butter, guavas, tampons, toilet paper, bandages in many sizes, a massive bottle of Advil, bleu cheese crumbles, only dark green lettuce, jicama, a large steak, tortillas, chow mein, frozen queso soup, quiche, and a massive bowl of ice cream for pouting at home, and lastly, the entire deodorant display, along with the free gifts that came with it. Ella then returned home, and began preparing the massive steak, guava, and tortilla dinner she had planned for her father.


	5. Chapter 5

Dusk Chapter 5

AN: the beginning of Ella and Edvard's love- how totally *cough* romantic. And excuse me as I fast forward through boring parts. I'll prolly come back and edit them, but I really wanted to write this scene.

And I think at the same time right now I might start doing parodies of the other Twilight books… I'm especially looking forward to Midnight Sun and Breaking Dawn….

The rest of the week was spent in a total emofest. Ella refused to go outside except for school and wallowed in her grief over Edvard's reaction to her repulsive smell. Nothing much happened that weekend, except for some more self pity, wallowing, whining, and altogether, bitching about life in general.

Monday came around, and Ella hoped that Edvard would've forgiven her for smelling so bad. Ella again almost got into an accident on the way to Sporks HS, swerving across lanes, and occasionally driving on the wrong side of the road. The shiny silver VOLVO was once again parked in the lot, and Ella knew by now that it belonged to the Schmullen family.

The day began to pass methodically slowly and Ella became even more frustrated as she saw it was raining and then, gasp, snowing! It was then extremely apparent how things were going to go down today (pun intended). When her English class was finally released to go to lunch, Ella slouched all the way to the cafeteria. Just when she thought she had safely navigated all of the puddles of ice, a freshman ran past her. The sudden gust of air surprised Ella, causing her to slip and crash to the ground.

She flopped lifelessly about like a turtle on its back for a couple seconds before pulling herself up and attempting to retain a shred of dignity. But even more shocking than Ella falling once again was the fact that Ella spotted a familiar blonde reddish auburn head across the cafeteria.

_Edvard!_ She silently rejoiced. Ella quickly did the Soulja Boy Dance (very badly) to express her happiness. The entire cafeteria grew quiet as they stared at her in horror. "We ain't in Phoenix no more," Mick whispered. "We do line dancing here."

Mick quickly started to do the Black Velvet line dance, and normalcy resumed in the cafeteria. "Say what dude?" Ella asked, trying to act like a gangster. "Word to the mother." She then flashed a gang sign and Mick looked at her like she was high.

"Uh… okay."

Ella once again got her lemonade, and the Schmullen's once again ate and the barfed up their food. Just another normal day.

But as soon as the bell rang for the next period, Ella could feel her life begin to change. She had once again ensured her stench was not rank and then checked in the mirror to make sure no food was in her teeth. Ella watched Edvard head into the Bio class ahead of her and tripped on a sprinkler spicket in the grass. "Ah!" she yelled aloud, landing face first in the snow. Her face burned so much, the snow melted off of it, and she tried to make herself look cool as she walked in.

Her long and lengthy gait caused her to get caught on backpacks more frequently, but Ella didn't care, as long as she managed to look awesometastic for Edvard. Just before sitting down, Ella did a quick Bo check and smiled. She smelled like ocean surf and Fierce. Her backpack clunked loudly on the ground when she dropped, followed not so gracefully by her butt in the chair.

Edvard immediately extended his hand to her and she shook it with sweat dripping palms. "Hey,Ella. I'm Edvard. We didn't have a chance to speak last week, so I just wanted to introduce myself."

"How'd you know my name was Ella? Are you a stalker!?" And well if he considered not being able to speak having to do with her body odor, whatevs.

"No, I'm not a stalker, but that's what everyone else calls you."

Ella looked up into his eyes, and noticed something different. They had been dark as a black night filled with lots of coal and other black things, but now they were neon orange.

"Did you get contacts?" Ella asked.

"No. Why?" A look of confusion crossed his face.

"Your eyes were black pits of sorrow last week and now they are bright orange."

"Uhhh… Ok. So why are you here in Sporks Ella?"

Tears filled Ella's eyes at Edvard's kindness. Her sob story spilled out of her lips, having waited to spill it to him for a week. "And nobody recognizes my sacrifice," Ella almost screamed, tears and makeup running down her face.

Edvard looked extremely alarmed and patted her on the shoulder uncomfortably. "It's uh… okay.."

Ella felt an electric shock between her and Edvard. Their eyes met and Edvard pulled back his hand slowly, obviously wanting to keep it there. Ella quickly snatched out and grabbed his hand and gasped at it's coldness.

"OMG! I just got frost bite from her hand." All of the sweat that had pooled there since shaking hands was froze into her palm.

Edvard shrugged his shoulders. "Sure as hell wasn't me."

But Ella used her superb psychic powers to know that it had indeed been him.


	6. Chapter 6

Dusk, Chapter 6: The Lab Experiment

AN: I am well aware that this part of the plot doesn't follow the book. But then, neither does this story does it? And RoseLine and Heyspar's last name is Torpedo because Hale is a kind of weather… you know… And excuse me for using a line from the movie…. And putting an Author's note after it…. But I had to….

Ella glanced once more at her frostbitten hand. "Ouchimamas." The unbearable pain seemed to seep through her fingers and she couldn't help but continue staring at Edvard. "So, I told you my sob story. What's your family like?"

Edvard lowered his head and shook it slightly. "Very interesting. All of my siblings were adopted by our parents, Carlizzle and Lezmae Schmullen. Gemmet, AliSHAH, and I all have our parents last name, but Rose Line and Heyspar are biological siblings so they maintain their real last name of Torpedo. My family also matriculates a lot." (AN: I had to do it. That line just makes me laugh my butt off….)

Ella sat there, confused for a second. "Matriculates… like masturb-"

Edward cut her off huffily. "No, we move a lot."

"Well, why don't you just say that? Don't use Old English words to charm me."

Suddenly their Bio teacher called everyone to come to the front of class and get a microscope. "Today we will be using the microscopes to determine what stage of osmosis (?) these cells are in."

Ella started to get up, but Edvard waved her back down into her seat. "No. I'll get it. You stay."

She immediately followed his orders, both dazzled and frightened at the same time. Edvard sashayed his way to the front desk, and everyone involuntarily shrunk away from his ice cold, rock hard, granite body. Ella couldn't help but lean over and admire the fantastic view of his porcelain butt.

Edvard suddenly swiveled around quickly, catching Ella in her very awkward and compromising position of butt-staring. Not knowing what else to do, she fell. Her head smacked against the hard linoleum, and she sat up quickly, trying to make it look like nothing had happened.

Edvard met her eyes with a weird look on his face and turned back around to get the microscope. Blood heated up her face, and suddenly Edvard twitched in an almost hysterical fashion. He leaned back his head and breathed in deeply with his nose, once again catching her eyes.

_Not again!_ Ella thought. I distinctively remember putting on deodorant and perfume this morning. A quick body cavity BO check ensued, and by the time Edvard had returned, Ella had still not figured out what was reeking off of her. He almost slammed the microscope into the table and as he sat down, averted his chair from her, and retained his very awkward position of leaning away from her.

Her lip shriveled slightly in disgust and a small sigh escaped her lips. "What's the matter?" Edvard murmured.

Ella opened her mouth to tell him, but then began to question if BO was not actually the reason- a reason I do not want to be aware of. "Nothing we should do the lab. " Ella glanced quickly at the slide, naming the stage, then pushed the microscope towards Edvard. Their hand briefly touched and both of them froze. Edvard's hands were ice cold and an electric current literally ran up her arm, short-circuiting her brain for ten seconds.

"Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold." Ella repeated.

"Errrr… What?"

Ella blinked twice in quick succession, and met his eyes. "What did you say?"

"I said what after you said cold."

"I didn't say cold, silly. What are you talking about?"

Edvard scrunched his face up at her and sighed. "Whatever." He glanced even faster at the lside than he and Ella frowned.

She was supposed to be the best, not him. Sabotage quickly crossed her mind, but she had begun to feel so much for Edvard in such a short time, that the emotions had put her sense of intelligence on a back burner. Not that it had been that great in the first place.

The rest of class passed without any other problems, much to Ella's dismay. She had hoped to touch some part of Edvard's granite and porcelain body before the next day. Looked like Ella wasn't going to get lucky tonight.

Gym class passed just as uneventfully, so by the end of the day, Ella was extremely exhausted, and ready to leave as soon as she got inside POS. The Schmulllens' snazzy Volvo idled beside her car, and Edvard had deliberately begun backing out so as to block her exit from the parking space. _Assface._ She attempted to swerve around the Volvo and epically failed, swerving clumsily between cars and people so as to get out faster. Edvard just laughed at her vain attempts. Thankfully, Edvard wasn't going to see her until the next day, so she had time to cool off.

Except Ella wasn't aware that Edvard was going to be breaking into her house tonight and watching her as she slept. Which of course, isn't stalker like at all…. Right?


	7. Chapter 7

Dusk Chapter 7

AN: I apologize beforehand…. After seeing this movie in theaters I am bound to tear it down even more than usual. Plus, this is the perfect chapter to do so.

Also, I just remembered Jacob… (sorry). He shall be in next chapter. Don't worry. I just have to come up with some weird name.

Ella simply could not get Edvard out of her mind. His perfectly bruised eyes, chiseled porcelain butt, and his totally absolute dazzlingness. Ella sat up in her bed, and brushed her hair out of her face, then glancing in the mirror.

Her hair was piled on top of her head like a haystack that had been brutally mashed with a pitchfork, but she nonetheless winked at herself anyways. "Hey sexy."

A slight sound downstairs snatched her out of her daydream, but Ella sighed in relief when she just realized it was Ralph. His car started up, and Ella stood, stretching her arms far above her head. "Thank God, I didn't have to deal with Ralph today. He still can't even figure out how to open a stupid cereal box." Ella leaned to the side, cracking her back to the left, and as she leaned to the right, her feet flew abruptly out from underneath her.

Itty bitty little dinosaurs circled her head and she watched them in fascination. "Di-No-Sore." Ella whispered in admiration, trailing them with her fingers.

Edvard stood just outside of her window, staring in with an extremely confused face. The woman he had already begun to love after one day of hate and another of polite conversation, imagined dinosaurs floated around her head. Edvard left as Ella stood up and slipped once more on the hardwood floor.

One quick shower and a long and painful breakfast that involved a butter knife, a bagel, some cream cheese, and mortal danger later, Ella slid into POS and slid a CD into her car stereo. The Jonas Brothers began to blast out of the speakers, and Ella started to rock out. She then hit her head on the steering wheel.

"OOOWwwwww!!!!!" she whined as she started her car. Ella shifted the car into reverse and sped out of the driveway, almost hitting a bright red mini Cooper. Ella honked her horn and hand rolled down her window. "Watch it! I'm backing up, I have the right of way!"

Yanking the wheel sharply to the left, tires squealing ridiculously, Ella headed off for another enthralling day at Sporks High, Home of the Trojans. The Jonas Brothers music shook her car as she turned into the parking lot and slammed her foot on the accelerator so she slid into the spot that Erik had already been halfway pulled into.

Ella rolled her eyes at Erik's shocked face, clambering out of POS, slipping and falling on her butt once again. From her very uncomfortable position on the ground, Ella noticed that her tires had chains on it. A gasp escaped her lips. "Ralph actually cared about me to do this?" Then her bitchiness kicked in. "Of course he had to do that. He's my father!"

Using the side of POS to help herself up, Ella stood and immediately saw Edvard staring at her across the lot, looking like a predator and pedophile at the same time. A screech reached Ella's ears and she looked up to see Kevlar, the guy she had met yesterday, and his car bearing down on top of her. His van was at least a thousand feet away, but Ella watched as his car swung violently back and forth for 900 feet…. 800 feet… 700 feet… The thought of possibly moving out of the way never crossed her mind.

Ella stayed frozen against the side of her car, waiting for herself to be made into a car sandwich with weakling as meat. Ella thought about whether or not someone would actually eat meat labeled as weakling, but then focused once again on the present situation. 400 feet… 300 feet…. 200 feet….

_It would suck if I got hit. Then I would never be able to express my undying love for Edvard Schmullen._ The car was 20 feet away when Ella finally realized that she could've moved when Kevlar had been 1000 feet away. It was 10 when Ella thought about moving at the current time. It was 2 feet away when Ella tried to move, but slipped.

And it was a foot and a half away when Edvard finally intercepted the car and threw Ella like a football across the parking lot then held out both of his hands as if to stop it with his mind. The van was a half a foot away when Edvard realized that probably wasn't going to work so he just skipped lackadaisically out of the way.

Kevlar's van smashed into the car next to POS, and Ella attempted to stand up. "OMG!" and "Ella!" were the only two exclamations that she heard, and when her eyes opened the entire school had gathered about her, except for Kevlar, who lay unconscious and bleeding to death in his van.

She then looked down at the minor scratch on her elbow and fainted.

AN: hey make sure to check out one of my newest parodies that I will be posting this week… After seeing Twilight, I felt the extreme need to kill off everyone in the series. Each chapter will be dedicated to a specific character!!! Except for Alice, Jasper, Quil, and Eric. They were the only legit characters in the movie.

And remember… Edward's sparkly skin is the "skin of a killer!!!!"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

AN: I apologize profusely to everyone that reads this. I'm sorry that I haven't updated in like 2 months, but vacation paired with homework, stress, Facebook, and the holidays= me no write. But, I do have some good news for you guys… Me and a bunch of my friends are going to begin filming Dusk, which we will hopefully post on Youtube in installments in a couple months. So Yay!!!! Hope you enjoy this chapter, plus one of my new years resolutions is to post at least a chapter a week. Which will hopefully manage to get us through the rest of the series in a timely manner. Another one of my resolutions was to not speak the words Twi---ht, Ne- --on, Ecli—e, or Bre----- --wn, or write them either. So apologies if I allude to them with dashes or rude combinations. Enjoy and happy 2009!

Ella awoke from her unconsciousness with a loud shriek. "Ells?" Ralph said, hurrying to her side. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, leave me the hell alone." Her father looked offended, and turned as a bright white man walked into the room. His skin appeared to be as pale as hers, yet he had the same massive bruises that the rest of the Schmullen family had.

"Well, good evening," he said in a strangely grave and formal tone. "I'm Dr. Carlizzle Schmullen. I already know you- you're Ella Peacock. Now, let's see how your chart is looking-"

Ella cut him off abruptly. "I need to talk to Edvard. NOW."

"Well, why would that be, Ms. Peacock?"

"Ells, I think you should really calm down. You can thank Edvard later, darling."

"Shut up, Ralph!" Ella dramatically ripped the IV out of her arm, and made a face when the pain hit her. She felt a drop of blood roll down the inside of her arm and she collapsed to the ground.

Carlizzle and Ralph just looked at each other. "She does that a lot," Ella's father said, before leaning down to pick her up.

"Ralph, stop!" Ella immediately pushed her father's hand off of her and glared at him angrily. "I must go find Edvard."

"Well, I wouldn't suggest that," Carlizzle said gravely. Ella stared at him weirdly for a couple of seconds, but then turned to leave.

"Ella!" Kevlar's voice rang out across the emergency room. "I'm sorry." His head was wrapped in bandages and he bore three casts and a neck brace. "But, you know, you could've moved."

Ella just glared at him. "Go succumb to your injuries." She stalked down the hall, head whipping furiously back and forth until she tripped over air. But she didn't hit the floor. Ella looked down and gasped at the rock hard stone cold hands that grasped her inches from the ground. "Edvard," she breathed.

Edvard set her upright them looked her in the eyes. "What? You wanted to see me?"

"Ahh… yes…." His breath just smelled so delicious, kind of like the Trident Tropical Twist gum she used to chew. "Delicious…"

"Uh… Excuse me!?" Edvard's eyes widened and looked at her like she was crazy. "Did you just say delicious?"

"No, I said… uh….." Ella scanned through all the words in her tiny brain. "Malnutrious? I think."

"Right." Edvard stood there, waiting for Ela to speak. "_Why_ did you want to talk to me?"

"Oh ya. You stopped the car from hitting me! You were on the other side of the parking lot, then you were right next to me…"

"No, the car was going so slow and was so far away, I could've walked there and made it. Duh. You are just slow."

"NO!" Ella screamed. "I saw it, you have superspeed!!! And super strength! You stopped the car!"

"Not really." Edvard cocked his eyebrow sarcastically. "Maybe you should take a dose of morphine and go back to sleep. Maybe like five times the usual dosage." Then he flipped her the peace sign and left.

Ella was stunned. _No one ever talked down to her like that._ He was gonna get it….

"Ella!" Ralph called. "Where are you?"

"Here," she murmured.

"Dr. Schmullen gave me leave to take you home. Let's go honey." Ralph protectively encircled her waist and began to walk.

"Fine." She wrenched out of her father's grip then tripped.

Ralph rolled his eyes and opened the door to the lobby for her, where the entire school stood in anxious waiting.

"Ella!" everyone screamed when they saw her unbruised and unbeaten body. "We are so glad you are ok!"

Ella burned red as a tomato. _How bashful._

"Ralph, let's go home."

They began walking out to the parking lot, the rest of the school in tow, heading to their cars. No one heard the faint pleas from Kevlar… "Is anyone going to see if I'm ok????"


	9. Chapter 9

Dusk Chapter 9

Hiya, everyone! I know, I suck, I haven't posted in a month (at least). But I have a legit excuse! My frequent use of surfthechannel decided to virusify my computer- but it's better. Some updates…. The movie for Dusk has been postponed, because obviously I haven't been able to finish the book quickly enough. Just until summer so I don't have homework.

Here is the Facebook group that you can join if you like the parody…. .?init=s%3Aclassmate%2Fcoworker&sf=r&sid=0&nm=dusk+twilight#?gid=58186066840&ref=ts

And it had recently come to my attention that in relation to the book, I'm on Chapter 9, and in Fricklight I'm on Chapter 3. Still. Gotta pick this up. This chapter is going to be waayyyy long, in a vain attempt to catch myself up…..

And now onto your feature presentation…

Ella returned home exhausted from her thoroughly unexhausting day, because basically, it had been Edvard doing all the work, not her. Ella and Ralph walked together up the porch stairs and Ralph pulled the door open for her. "Here, Ells…. How is your head?"

"Fine."

"And just so you know, Ella, I called your mother to tell her what happened."

Ella turned around in complete and utter disbelief. "Ralph! Why would I want my own mother to know that I was almost hit by a car and smushed into bits! What the frick where you thinking? It's not like we are really close or anything-"

"It's your mother Ella. The one who created you. She'd want to know if you almost got… run over."

"Never! After she left me here, and went prancing to the Bahamas with her boyfriend, she doesn't want me!"

"Ella. She went to Florida. With her boyfriend. Who plays football. You came here, and chose to stay here."

"What-EVER!"

Ella stomped loudly up the stairs, shaking the slight frame of the house. When safely upstairs, she pulled a pillow over her head and fell to sleep- where she dreamed of none other than Edvard.

_Edvard ran gracefully ahead of her, sparkling like a fairy. Light radiated off his porcelain skin like diamonds had been embedded in his skin as some new sort of fashion trend. All of a sudden, Edvard turned around, stopped sparkling and morphed into something that looked extremely close to that brunette haired guy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer…. What was his name? Seraph? Cherub? Angel. That was it. Edvard/Angel completely vamped out, then dove at Ella and sucked all of the blood out of her body._

Ella sat up in bed, sweating profusely. "That was so… chilling," she said, her voice shaking. "Edvard sparkled like a fairy… It was like the sparkles were the devil. And he turned into a vampire. That must symbolize something. He can't be a vampire- that would be too easy. Plus that Stokey guy said vampires can't go outside during the day, and if Edvard was a vampire, that would go against Drackey? Draella? Dracukula? Dracula, and everything Dracula has stood for."

Ella pondered for three more minutes, which then sent her tiny brain onto overload and eventually fell back to sleep.

One month later

Ella was still extremely popular, having become infamous for her almost death by slowly swerving car. She got to school at the same time she did every morning, yet as soon as she got there, Jess immediately ran over.

"Hey Ella!"

"Hi Jess."

"Um, I was just wondering, are you going to go to the Sadie Hawkins Dance?"

"I don't think so. And Jess, I'm sorry, I don't want to go with you. I'm straight."

Jess stared at her for a couple seconds surprised, then shrugged. "Ok. So I was wondering if it was okay if I asked Mick to the dance."

"Sure. I give you permission," Ella said grandly, patting Jess on her shoulder. "You have been a good minion, you deserve some time off."

The first two periods passed normally enough, but when Ella got to Biology, she could tell something was off. Well, apart from the fact that Edvard STILL would not look her way or speak to her. Mick was unusually quiet, which was very unlike his inability to shut up. Ella merely noticed because people were paying less attention to her today.

All of a sudden, Mick called her name. "Ella? I have a question for you."

"Yes?"

"Well, you see, Jess asked me to the Sadie Hawkins, and I was wondering if you were going to be going…"

"Oh, no. Dances are far beneath me. I'm just too amazing to lower myself and dance with the lowly people of the school."

"Well, I'm glad we covered that."

"Mick, you should say yes to Jess. Because yes and Jess rhyme... That has to mean something doesn't it?"

Mick raised his blonde eyebrows in sarcastic disbelief. "Seriously?"

"Yes to Jess, yes to Jess, YES TO JESS!"

"Ok, ok, calm down!" Mick attempted to cover Ella's loud mouth, but it was Edvard's cold black abysses of death that held back her final shriek. Mick turned away as soon as he saw Ella begin to drool.

"I wouldn't yell that if I were you."

"Ok, master, whatever you say."

Both of them sat there for a few more minutes and then finally Ella spoke. "So why have you been blowing me off the last month?"

"It's better if we aren't friends."

"But why?" Ella whined. "I like you!!!"

Edvard looked Ella directly in the eyes and responded, "**Because I want to eat you**."

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Okay, Edvard, I believe we have gotten ahead of ourselves on this subject. I did not say I wanted any of….. _that._ I just wanted to be friends. And second off, our mouths are on our heads for a reason!!!!!"

Surprise passed over Edvard's face as he took in exactly what Ella had told him. "Uhhh… NOT what I meant. Like eat, like food, like zombies, werewolves, and such." (FORESHADOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

"Oh. Ok." Abruptly, the bell rang and Ella hurried out to her ancient car but first she was berated by Erik.

"Hi Ella!" he said excitedly. "How are you on this fine day?"

"Fine. I gotta go."

"Well, it'll be quick. I was just wondering if you had anyone to go to the dance with?"

"It's a Sadie Hawkins, isn't it? That means I ask. Bye." Shoving the key in the lock of her car, then jiggling it, Ella's eyes met Edvard's, who smiled. Trying to maintain her cool, Ella began backing out, but Edvard swerved his car in front of her then put it into park.

"What are you doing, you douchebag????" Ella shrieked.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the window. Ella rolled it down then greeted Kevlar.

"Hi, Ella, so there is a dance next week and –"

"No. Bye."

Kevlar stepped slowly away from the car in disbelief as Ella swerved around Edvard's car on two wheels, which may seem extremely impossible with such an old car but is in fact possible, and squealed all the way home.

"Ugh," Ella said, then turned to her only solace: music with meaningful lyrics. "Kissed a Girl" began to blare out of her speakers and Ella began to sing along, really feeling a deep connection between Katy Perry and herself.

The loud ringing of her home phone startled Ella. She had a home phone because she is far too amazing to have to get a cell phone for easy contact and therefore make it harder for her friends to call her and worship her. "Hellll-o?" her grating voice asked.

"ELLA! Mick said yes!"

Silence.

"Ella?"

"Ya?"

"Why aren't you saying anything?"

"Was I supposed to say something?"

"Well, when something good happens to one of your friends, one usually reacts happily for them."

"Oh. Ok. Woo."

Ella could almost her Jess roll her eyes over the phone. "Well, thanks for the enthusiasm attempt."

"If you and Mick got together, you know what would be a great idea?"

"That Angel ask Erik and Laurie ask Kevlar?"

Her mouth swung open in shock. "That's what I was going to say."

"Hmm… well in order to make the readers think that you are really intelligent and this didn't just work out perfectly like it was set up before hand in someone's illogical fantasy that would never work, how about we let you take credit for this brilliant idea."

"Sounds good."

"Bye-bye, Ella!"

Ella hung up. _Ugh, a dance, _she thought, disgusted. _So glad I have something else to do. Wait- I don't._ Then the idea hit her: Port York. She could go there and shop for some more classic romance novels that Ella will repeatedly refer to later. She looked down at the copies of Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, and Plum Lovin', realizing she didn't have the latest book from Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Crap Dawn and The Vain Attempt and Failure at a SciFi Novel Host.

Recognizing the need for those two books, and seeing as the town of Sporks couldn't have a bookstore containing such advanced and mentally provocative pieces of….literature, to state it lightly, Ella hurried downstairs to tell Ralph of her trip to Port York all on her lonesome.

"Ralph! I'm going to Port York on Saturday for some books."

"What about ga-"

"Covered."

"What about safet-"

"Covered. Haven't you seen me throw a punch?" To demonstrate her fighting prowess, Ella immediately crouched so it looked like she was sitting on a toilet and very slowly swung her fist forward.

"What is that supposed to be?" Ralph asked, confusion evident all over his kind face.

"A punch. Duh. That guy is totally knocked out cold right now."

Ralph cocked his eyebrow crooked at her and asked "Well, what about that dance? Come on!"

"I don't dance."

"I know you can."

"Not a chance."

"If I could do this, well, then you can do that."

"But I don't dance."

Ella and Ralph then continued by breaking out into a choreographed dance together complete with baseball bats and High School Musical jerseys.

When they completed the dance, Ella ran away from her father and up stairs, even though she had trouble getting over the first five. She then proceeded to curl up in a ball and sleep, unaware of the sparkling, lurking presence in the corner of her room.

The next morning

"Hey, Ella," Edvard said seductively when she got out of the car. "How art thou this fine morning?"

"I'm fine, freaky English guy."

"Ok, well, I just wanted to confess my undying love for the smell of your blood, wait sorry that came out wrong. I wanted to confess that I pulled my car out in front of you so that Kevlar could ask you to the dance."

'Really? You are so weird."

"So. Do you need a ride to Port York the night of the dance?"

"How do you know about that?"

"Someone…. Uh… mentioned it earlier. Plus, I doubt that dinky POS could make it anywhere."

"O.M.G. Did you just diss my piece of crap car? I'm so offended. And no, you cannot drive me to Port York. I'll go myself, and I'll forget to bring peppers pray, so follow me to make sure I don't get attacked."

"Got it," Edvard replied.

They then parted and walked their separate ways to class… That was, until lunch.

"Hey, Ella," Edvard said, once again using his scarily enticing pick-up line. "Wanna sit with me?"

"Sure!" Ella immediately dropped her plate of food on the table and ironically, the apple bounced up and hit Edvard in the face.

"Ow."

"Sorry. Get over it."

"Well, Ella, I decided to invite you over today to sit with me so I can totally contradict everything I previously said- except for the eating part. We should be friends. Maybe even more. With benefits."

"Sounds delicious."

The rest of the lunch period was taken up with inane conversation that basically helps the reader, you, recognize how totally, utterly, perfect they are for each other. And since we just cleared that up, we will move on.

The loud clanging bell for the end of lunch barely drew Ella away from Edvard's deep orange, originally black, pits of sorrow. "I'm gonna skip class," Edvard announced. "Peace."

"Bye……" Ella's voice trailed off like the way a young girl with her first crush sounds after truly speaking to him for the first time. Oh wait, that was.

Ella dazedly walked to Biology, tripping several times on blades of grass, but her head was in a fog over Edvard, so she didn't notice. That was until Mr. calendar began pricking finger with knives in Biology.

A rushing noise filled her ears as she watched the tiny drip of blood from Angel's finger 7 seats away slowly swell and bubble over the top of the cut. Her head slumped forward in her seat and Ella passed out, only to be immediately awakened by the fact that when she fainted her head hit her desk.

Mr. Calendar rolled his eyes and summoned Mick. "Take her to the nurse."

Mick sprinted over to help his queen and they walked arms draped over each other until Ella fainted again. This time when she awoke, it was Edvard standing over her.

"Ella? Are you okay?"

"Your breath smells like chocolate cherries," she replied.

"Ok, Mick, I'll carry her to the office." Swinging Ella up into his arms, Edvard walked towards the nurses office, arms out, keeping Ella as far away from himself as possible. When they got inside, Ella laid down for two seconds, was fine, and then got sent home by the nurse, and Edvard, being the forceful and possessive chivalric hero in the story, refused to let her drive home, and took her in his SHINY SILVER VOLVO back to her house.

While they were driving in the car, Edvard began to crank some of his music-Soulja Boy, the same exact song Ella had been singing along to on the way to school that morning.

When back at Ella's house, Edvard let her out of the car and smiled with his sparkling teeth. "be careful," he reminded her. "Alice will drop your car off later. You won't hear it because for some reason, when people from the Cullen family drive loud noisy cars, they are no longer loud and noisy."

"Sounds good. Bye, and thanks."

"Bye. I still want to eat you."

I hope you guys enjoyed that, it was a beast to write. And now I'm on ch9 and I just did half of 5. Ugh. Ok, and I hope everyone noticed that HSM reference I made with the whole I don't dance thing.. bbaaaddd movie- well, better, compared to Fricklight.


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